If you have never visited the site called "Urban Dictionary", I encourage you to check it out. It's a hip, user-generated and -evaluated collection of all of those slang expressions we hear (and say) on a day-to-day basis but were afraid to ask the meanings of for fear of losing cool points. I refer to it frequently to remain relevant during discussions with my college-aged nephews. I also subscribe to the urban word of the day (uWOD as I like to call it), and sometimes they shoot a uWOD that really piques my interest.
"Electile dysfunction" is one such phrase - I absolutely love this one. According to the Urban Dictionary, this expression means "The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party during an election year."
We find ourselves at the end of the primary season, and our principal presidential petitioners are Republican candidate, John McCain, and Democratic candidates, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama. For me, these three candidates have resulted in a most severe case of electile dysfunction, and I'm trying desperately to locate some political viagra for a little candidatudinal stimulation.
Having no little blue pill to offer for presidential selection, I am going to take you down this Sailor's approach to political analysis. There will be a little controversy contained below that I ask you to accept merely as one man's opinion, however irrational it may seem to you upon reading it. Before I offend you with my subjective positions, however, I will begin with a totally objective assessment of the candidates, based on where the candidates are on the two big gay equality issues.
"Don't Ask Don't Tell"
- Both democratic candidates are for the repeal, according to the HRC scoresheet. John McCain is against the repeal, feeling instead that "Gay troops pose 'an intolerable risk' to national security." (gay.com article)
- All three candidates are against gay marriage, although both democratic candidates endorse civil unions.
- Assumption 1. All politicians are created equal. If I am honest with myself, I must admit that I really have no way of accurately measuring the 'purity of character' of any presidential candidate. I know none of them personally, and the only datapoints I am able to evaluate are the bias-rich ones provided by the American and world media. I must therefore assume that all of the candidates are of equal corruption, equally likely to exchange questionable campaign promises for votes, and equally likely to... mentor... young interns with personal attention in the oval office.
- Assumption 2. The GOP will recognize gay equality several hundred years after God has destroyed the earth by fire. Remember, it's the gays' fault for.... well... everything. Remember our friend, Major Davis, from my last post who thinks we cause more deaths during war. He could be Chairman of the Joint Chiefs (Gen. Pace) with forward thinking like that! He should consider changing Services.
- Assumption 3. General party platforms and responses to 'crises-du-jour' are the agendas elected presidents are going to pursue, regardless of their personal campaign platforms.
So, with these three assumptions working in the background, I evaluate the candidates on a purely subjective basis. I apply my years of military service and position as a gay veteran to my train of thought. Here goes.... don't hate me.
John S. McCain
I know as a gay man, I should not vote for a republican candidate. This one has proven that he suffers from the characteristic close-mindedness and intolerable prejudice of his republican compatriots. But, he is a prisoner-of-war survivor and a true military veteran. This is both a good and bad thing. The civilian control of the military concept is somewhat compromised when a veteran of significant service takes the head job. However, as a veteran, I am very OK with the idea that the Commander-in-Chief knows what the heck he (or she) is doing through relevant military experience. His stated positions on gay equality and applying assumption three, I must eliminate John McCain from consideration. Unless.....
Barack Hussein Obama
Everyone should know that I have conducted seven deployments to the Persian Gulf region. One of these was a year tour in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. And, when I wasn't fighting the good fight in theater, I was fighting it back at the U.S. Central Command headquarters in Tampa, Florida. I hunted bad guys like Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden for years. I lived in the ridiculously hypocritical society of Muslim Saudi Arabia, where we Servicemembers were not even allowed to look at the Saudi women. I watched as the 'bin Laden Construction Company' was building the big high-rise in the middle of Riyadh. I can say without any hesitation whatsoever that those people hate us, and, furthermore, this hatred is not justified based on their own societal behavior. Therefore, based on my years of service in that region, I have to admit I struggle with his name (and his America-hating preacher).
Hillary Rodham Clinton
If you're still reading after that exclamatory ejaculation, here is where I stand with Hillary. You have probably deduced that she is the candidate I am supporting. As totally lukewarm as the other candidates, she is the democratic candidate I can vote for. There is one thing I really like about Hillary: she's a woman, hear her roar. I would love to have a female president in the oval office. England had a female Prime Minister years ago. There are many countries with female heads of state - why is America obsessed with the sexist idea that only men can run the country??? I say put a female in the office for four years and see what she can do. We can always chuck her out in four years if she screws it up.
So there you have it. None of them very arousing, but we have to find a way to pick one - it is our duty as Americans to vote in elections. I firmly believe that, or that may be the Boy Scout brainwashing talking. No, Americans who do not vote fail the country. So, whatever system you use to determine your candidate of choice, exercise your decision in November. And remember to respect the opinions of others (especially mine ;-).
Until Mailbuoy Watch is posted again, I bid you fair winds and following seas! Happy tax day!
